Dark But Lovely

My biggest challenge in life right now is being a good mother. Of course I am concerned about their health, whether or not they are watching too much TV, and teaching them to use their manners. But my biggest fight is within ME. I have so much selfishness, pride, negativity, and laziness - sin. Most days it seems to consume me. It feels like there is a superhero movie that my boys are watching live going on within me. Is the Hero Spirit gonna win? or the Villain Flesh? By the end of most days, it seems as though the villain roared it's ugly head and won. How did it get so strong? How do I turn this around for God's glory and my good?

Totally humility and dependance on Christ. I must beat this. I must win. I must fight and not give up. The only hope I have is the cross. Sure I can use "anger management skills," but I know that's not the answer. The answer is me going in total desperation to the cross, offering all I have to offer (my sin) and somehow by His grace and goodness He exchanges it for His strength. And this strength isn't just being a little nicer to the boys. It has to be a complete exchange of my selfish heart for His love and humility. It happens first in the heart. Then the outward actions will follow. I must go to Him in desperation, begging Him to change my heart because I have no other hope of real change, nowhere else to turn.

I read a blog written by Dana Candler yesterday entitled "The Poverty of Parenting" that brought so much light to my darkness. She said that the hope of the cross is that we can go to our kids with our weakness and shortcomings and show them how greatly dependent on Jesus we are. Instead of minimizing our outbursts or just living with our guilt, we go to our children in confession and repentance. THAT is a fresh and living example of the gospel. Through me, they get to see salvation lived out for real, not just in theory. They will see my darkness. It's unavoidable. But they also get to see that in spite of me, He calls me lovely. My darkness for His deep love. I don't have to live a perfect life in front of them to convince them that they need a Savior. I just have to keep bringing my failures to the cross and my confession to them and they will see it for themselves.