Pleasing To Who?

Everyone has their little trap that they somehow fall back into from time to time. I'm not talking about obvious sin, but areas of weakness or insecurity that sneak back in after you think you've dealt with them. For some, it might be negativity, critical thinking, bad attitudes, laziness, people pleasing, feelings of unworthiness, etc.

Mine is, as Joyce Meyer calls it, is performance and approval addiction. I don't know exactly where it came from or if I was like this as a child, but several years ago I realized I was living for the unspoken or assumed expectations of others. I was spinning my wheels going and doing everything I thought I was "supposed" to be doing and completely lost track of what I believed God wanted me to do. I was performing. For who? Mainly my spiritual leaders and women I looked up to in our church. Why? I didn't like myself enough to be content with who God made me, so I was trying to be someone else (the person I thought I should be or wanted to be). God did a major inner work of healing in me that took about two years to make me aware of it and set me free. Somehow over this last year it crept back in unnoticed. The only difference this time was the "who."

Over the past three years, I have gone from one extreme to another in my domestic duties as a wife/mother, but mainly as a mother. After I had Isaiah, I realized how lazy and apathetic I was as far as my role and responsibilities in the home. I was not a hard worker. Not that our house was a mess, but my attitude was apathetic about what needed to get done. I didn't care about being on time or going the extra mile in preparation.

Last year, I went through a book with the youth girls about being a godly woman, wife, and mother, and it kicked me in the butt! Everything changed and I wanted to work hard. I wanted to care. I wanted to be the best mom I could be. I wanted to go the extra mile, and I did. I began working hard and I really enjoyed it. Then I got pregnant. Pregnancy has a way of forcing you to slow down and when you do, you start to see things you didn't know were there, still lurking in the shadows.

I had an emotional breakdown recently that made me begin to look a little deeper. Why was I spinning my wheels? Why was I working so hard? Why did I think I "had" to do all these things when everyone kept telling me to slow down and just relax? Partially because I have three kids and a hard working husband and there is a lot of work to be done. I really do believe that I am the manager of this home and I want to be found a good steward of what I have been given. But there is the other side of my heart that was trying to prove to myself, my husband, and my boys that I AM an excellent mom. It's the same reason a little girl in a twirly skirt will spin for her daddy. She is saying, "Look at me. Do you see me? I want to be noticed. I want to be told I am beautiful." In this case, I was looking for a sense of pride and accomplishment. I want to be noticed by my family and I want them to really believe that they have the best wife/mommy in the world. But when I was falling short in their little tiny perspectives (meaning my boys), I was feeling guilty and I would go to work even harder. I finally thought, "Wait! Who am I doing all of this for? Who does see the bigger picture? Who does see how hard I'm working and understands my motives?" Not my boys. God and God alone. I cannot perform for my boys hoping one day to get "The Best Mom" award from them. I can't perform for God who sees all and knows all. I can't preform for others or even myself, trying to prove that I am a good mom. That would result in pride. All I can do is live with this prayer in my heart from Psalm 19:14, "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer." The goal is not to be the best for best sake, but that my inner man is pleasing to God, the watcher and lover of my soul.